Parenthood

Parenthood is absolutely the most emotionally debilitating thing ever.  For real.   Some days I really feel like I have it all together.  Most days I don't.  It started the night we brought Lyla home and I've been a ball of anxiety ever since.  At first I worried that something horrible would happen to her.  Then I started to worry that something horrible would happen to me or Eric and she'd have to live with that.  Since Caroline has been home, the feelings are totally overwhelming.

Each night I feel like I disappointed someone in some way.  During the day I am fine, but during those late night feedings or in my down time after they are both in bed I start to really question myself, even feel sorry for myself that I don't have it all together.  I feel like I worry so much about "getting through" the rough spots and I am going to blink and realize they weren't so bad after all.

I have ridiculous mom guilt.  From the moment Caroline came home I've tried my very best to give Lyla just as much attention as I did before.  Sometimes to a fault.  Sometimes I feel like that hurt my bonding time with Caroline.  In those first few weeks it felt like Lyla was mine and Caroline was Eric's.  It upset me when people would say Caroline would be Eric's favorite (for the record, he never said it).  Why do people feel the need to attach favorites?  That makes me nuts.  And made me even more obsessed to doting on Lyla in case she heard someone say it.  But then on the other hand, I feel tremendous guilt that I don't get to spend enough one on one time with Caroline. I worry that in me trying to accomodate Lyla, CeCe is getting neglected in the process.   Even when I do get to spend time with her, Lyla is right there in her face.

I compare being a mother of two to being a ping pong ball.  Literally all day, you bounce back and forth between them trying to make everyone happy.  Eric and I play pass the kids all evening.  I don't know how single mothers do it with infants.

I know I am not alone in this.  Every other mother I know feels the same way.  I just honestly didn't think it would effect me so deeply and so physically.  It hurts to be a mom.

Not really even sure what the point of this post is, but I felt the need to rant without a plan.  So there.