This post is a tough one. I struggled as to whether or not to write it but here goes. My baby is four months old and I am still struggling, emotionally. Sure, the worst of it is over, but I still have lingering feelings of just not being back to myself. I think this time, these feelings are lasting a little bit longer. Yes, I love being a mom, but I often feel like there is nothing left of the Megan I was. Nothing.
I don't sleep. I can't pee in private. I never leave the house. My kids dictate every single move I make.
The nights I work are the worst. I spend most of those nights feeding kids, struggling to pay attention to both (Caroline usually gets screwed on that one), fighting about bedtime and then sitting in Caroline's room for two hours while she cries.
Many of those nights I just sit there and feel sorry for myself. I will never be the same again. I feel like I am not fun anymore. I feel like I don't get excited for anything anymore because just when I think I might try to get back some of that old Megan, a kid gets sick and my plans change. I even emailed Catherine at one point and and told her there was no use in trying to hang out until our kids were 18. I know, deep down, that my kids just need all of me at this point. Some day I might regret pushing everyone else away because, all too soon, my girls won't need me as much and I won't know what to do with my time. Basically I was having a pity party.
Now that the fog has lifted a bit, I realize how down in the dumps I really was. Conversations with Eric also confirmed this attitude. He was worried. Do we call it depression? Do I blame the hormones that are still trying to get back to normal? Do I blame the fact that it is winter and we haven't left the house other than to work? Who knows. What I do know is that it is normal. I need to find other ways to get a little bit of Megan back. Slowly but surely I see glimpses of her. The fact of the matter is, I will never be that Megan again. I am mom now. It took me a bit to realize that I can be both.
4(ish) Months In
I've come to the conclusion that 4 months old might be my favorite age. Caroline is really starting to show her personality and let me tell you, she is the sweetest thing you'll ever meet. And I am not just saying that because I am her mom :) She is a pretty laid back kid and her smiles are plentiful. I mean, one look at her and she just lights up. While she is fun at this age, she is also not mobile yet...which I why I think it is my favorite. Here are some four month stats.
Weight: 14lbs. 6 oz.
I still call her my little hubba bubba. Her cheeks make her appear to be a big baby, but she is right on track and in the 50th percentile.
Eating: We've finally started to sink into a little bit of an eating routine She generally takes about 6 ounces 5x a day. Spit up is still an issue, but I barely even notice anymore.
Sleeping: Still a disaster. Most nights it still takes quite a while for her to calm down and relax. We tried the whole bedtime routine with books, songs, quiet time, but the minute you put her in that crib she starts screaming, sometimes up to two hours. A lot of the time, I just sit in her room and making "shushing" sounds but to no avail. Not even the dreaded sound machine can calm her. There is, however, a silver lining. Once she finally falls asleep, she stays that way for about 13 hours. Whoot whoot!
Milestones: Just like her sister, she's rolled over once at this point. It came to her pretty easily but now refuses to do it again. In her defense, she doesn't get much tummy time as our tiny house and her hyper-active sister don't allow for much of that. It's something we will work on, but I am not going to encourage much mobility at this point, after all, I know the chaos that comes with a mobile baby.
New Nickname: She has many, but we just recently started calling her Julie Drooly. This kid drools like crazy. I wasn't expecting teeth so early but between the drool and the constant gnawing on her hands, those little white nubs may make an appearance sooner than expected.
Weight: 14lbs. 6 oz.
I still call her my little hubba bubba. Her cheeks make her appear to be a big baby, but she is right on track and in the 50th percentile.
Eating: We've finally started to sink into a little bit of an eating routine She generally takes about 6 ounces 5x a day. Spit up is still an issue, but I barely even notice anymore.
Sleeping: Still a disaster. Most nights it still takes quite a while for her to calm down and relax. We tried the whole bedtime routine with books, songs, quiet time, but the minute you put her in that crib she starts screaming, sometimes up to two hours. A lot of the time, I just sit in her room and making "shushing" sounds but to no avail. Not even the dreaded sound machine can calm her. There is, however, a silver lining. Once she finally falls asleep, she stays that way for about 13 hours. Whoot whoot!
Milestones: Just like her sister, she's rolled over once at this point. It came to her pretty easily but now refuses to do it again. In her defense, she doesn't get much tummy time as our tiny house and her hyper-active sister don't allow for much of that. It's something we will work on, but I am not going to encourage much mobility at this point, after all, I know the chaos that comes with a mobile baby.
New Nickname: She has many, but we just recently started calling her Julie Drooly. This kid drools like crazy. I wasn't expecting teeth so early but between the drool and the constant gnawing on her hands, those little white nubs may make an appearance sooner than expected.
Parenthood
Parenthood is absolutely the most emotionally debilitating thing ever. For real. Some days I really feel like I have it all together. Most days I don't. It started the night we brought Lyla home and I've been a ball of anxiety ever since. At first I worried that something horrible would happen to her. Then I started to worry that something horrible would happen to me or Eric and she'd have to live with that. Since Caroline has been home, the feelings are totally overwhelming.
Each night I feel like I disappointed someone in some way. During the day I am fine, but during those late night feedings or in my down time after they are both in bed I start to really question myself, even feel sorry for myself that I don't have it all together. I feel like I worry so much about "getting through" the rough spots and I am going to blink and realize they weren't so bad after all.
I have ridiculous mom guilt. From the moment Caroline came home I've tried my very best to give Lyla just as much attention as I did before. Sometimes to a fault. Sometimes I feel like that hurt my bonding time with Caroline. In those first few weeks it felt like Lyla was mine and Caroline was Eric's. It upset me when people would say Caroline would be Eric's favorite (for the record, he never said it). Why do people feel the need to attach favorites? That makes me nuts. And made me even more obsessed to doting on Lyla in case she heard someone say it. But then on the other hand, I feel tremendous guilt that I don't get to spend enough one on one time with Caroline. I worry that in me trying to accomodate Lyla, CeCe is getting neglected in the process. Even when I do get to spend time with her, Lyla is right there in her face.
I compare being a mother of two to being a ping pong ball. Literally all day, you bounce back and forth between them trying to make everyone happy. Eric and I play pass the kids all evening. I don't know how single mothers do it with infants.
I know I am not alone in this. Every other mother I know feels the same way. I just honestly didn't think it would effect me so deeply and so physically. It hurts to be a mom.
Not really even sure what the point of this post is, but I felt the need to rant without a plan. So there.
Each night I feel like I disappointed someone in some way. During the day I am fine, but during those late night feedings or in my down time after they are both in bed I start to really question myself, even feel sorry for myself that I don't have it all together. I feel like I worry so much about "getting through" the rough spots and I am going to blink and realize they weren't so bad after all.
I have ridiculous mom guilt. From the moment Caroline came home I've tried my very best to give Lyla just as much attention as I did before. Sometimes to a fault. Sometimes I feel like that hurt my bonding time with Caroline. In those first few weeks it felt like Lyla was mine and Caroline was Eric's. It upset me when people would say Caroline would be Eric's favorite (for the record, he never said it). Why do people feel the need to attach favorites? That makes me nuts. And made me even more obsessed to doting on Lyla in case she heard someone say it. But then on the other hand, I feel tremendous guilt that I don't get to spend enough one on one time with Caroline. I worry that in me trying to accomodate Lyla, CeCe is getting neglected in the process. Even when I do get to spend time with her, Lyla is right there in her face.
I compare being a mother of two to being a ping pong ball. Literally all day, you bounce back and forth between them trying to make everyone happy. Eric and I play pass the kids all evening. I don't know how single mothers do it with infants.
I know I am not alone in this. Every other mother I know feels the same way. I just honestly didn't think it would effect me so deeply and so physically. It hurts to be a mom.
Not really even sure what the point of this post is, but I felt the need to rant without a plan. So there.
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