The Artist Formerly Known as Megan

This post is a tough one.  I struggled as to whether or not to write it but here goes. My baby is four months old and I am still struggling, emotionally.  Sure, the worst of it is over, but I still have lingering feelings of just not being back to myself.  I think this time, these feelings are lasting a little bit longer.  Yes, I love being a mom, but I often feel like there is nothing left of the Megan I was. Nothing.

I don't sleep.  I can't pee in private.  I never leave the house.  My kids dictate every single move I make.

The nights I work are the worst.  I spend most of those nights feeding kids, struggling to pay attention to both (Caroline usually gets screwed on that one), fighting about bedtime and then sitting in Caroline's room for two hours while she cries.

Many of those nights I just sit there and feel sorry for myself.  I will never be the same again.  I feel like I am not fun anymore.  I feel like I don't get excited for anything anymore because just when I think I might try to get back some of that old Megan, a kid gets sick and my plans change. I even emailed Catherine at one point and and told her there was no use in trying to hang out until our kids were 18.  I know, deep down, that my kids just need all of me at this point.  Some day I might regret pushing everyone else away because, all too soon, my girls won't need me as much and I won't know what to do with my time.  Basically I was having a pity party.

Now that the fog has lifted a bit, I realize how down in the dumps I really was.  Conversations with Eric also confirmed this attitude.  He was worried.  Do we call it depression?  Do I blame the hormones that are still trying to get back to normal?  Do I blame the fact that it is winter and we haven't left the house other than to work?  Who knows.  What I do know is that it is normal.  I need to find other ways to get a little bit of Megan back.  Slowly but surely I see glimpses of her. The fact of the matter is, I will never be that Megan again.  I am mom now.  It took me a bit to realize that I can be both.