Parenthood is absolutely the most emotionally debilitating thing ever. For real. Some days I really feel like I have it all together. Most days I don't. It started the night we brought Lyla home and I've been a ball of anxiety ever since. At first I worried that something horrible would happen to her. Then I started to worry that something horrible would happen to me or Eric and she'd have to live with that. Since Caroline has been home, the feelings are totally overwhelming.
Each night I feel like I disappointed someone in some way. During the day I am fine, but during those late night feedings or in my down time after they are both in bed I start to really question myself, even feel sorry for myself that I don't have it all together. I feel like I worry so much about "getting through" the rough spots and I am going to blink and realize they weren't so bad after all.
I have ridiculous mom guilt. From the moment Caroline came home I've tried my very best to give Lyla just as much attention as I did before. Sometimes to a fault. Sometimes I feel like that hurt my bonding time with Caroline. In those first few weeks it felt like Lyla was mine and Caroline was Eric's. It upset me when people would say Caroline would be Eric's favorite (for the record, he never said it). Why do people feel the need to attach favorites? That makes me nuts. And made me even more obsessed to doting on Lyla in case she heard someone say it. But then on the other hand, I feel tremendous guilt that I don't get to spend enough one on one time with Caroline. I worry that in me trying to accomodate Lyla, CeCe is getting neglected in the process. Even when I do get to spend time with her, Lyla is right there in her face.
I compare being a mother of two to being a ping pong ball. Literally all day, you bounce back and forth between them trying to make everyone happy. Eric and I play pass the kids all evening. I don't know how single mothers do it with infants.
I know I am not alone in this. Every other mother I know feels the same way. I just honestly didn't think it would effect me so deeply and so physically. It hurts to be a mom.
Not really even sure what the point of this post is, but I felt the need to rant without a plan. So there.
Back to Work
I've been thinking (dreading) about this day since Caroline was a day old. Tomorrow I go back to work, and everything I have worked to get in order for three months will be shot to shit.
When I was still pregnant, I wasn't exactly sure how long of a break I would take. Because I am part time, I do not get a partially paid maternity leave. I had to use my vacation days wisely. I estimated I could take about 10 weeks off and survive. I started thinking about this the day after Caroline was born. Every time I did, my stomach would drop and I would be a ball of anxiety. How could I possibly manage two kids, a household and a job? People do it all the time, but how could I do it? When people would ask when I was going back to work, I would just say around Thanksgiving and never really let myself look at a calendar and decide. When I finally had to, it just worked out with the holiday that I would go back the Monday after Thanksgiving. This meant I was able to spend 12 glorious weeks and home with my babies. More than most, so I couldn't complain.
Going back to work meant I would have to start showering on a regular basis again. It meant I couldn't wear my black comfy pants and blue hoodie for days at a time. It meant I had to wake my kids up two hours earlier than normal to get them out the door and to the sitters. It meant I now had to pay double for daycare. It meant I couldn't hang out with my girls all day. I am sad.
After Lyla, I think I was in such shock about how this baby changed my life, I almost looked forward to going back to work. I went back part time so I will still able to spend a lot of time with her, but it also meant I could have adult conversations again. I could eat lunch without interruption. I could pee in peace. I could maybe feel like myself for a few hours a day.
This time is much different. This time I am mom. Before, my life was work. Now my life is my babies. I didn't want to go back. I wanted to be mom. On maternity leave I had time for my household. My house was clean. My laundry was always done. My kids were content to hang out with me. We settled into a sort of controlled chaos. Now I will have to change all that. Start a new routine. One I was forced into.
Will I cry tomorrow? Maybe. Will Eric cry on his first day alone with two babes? Likely. Fact is it has to happen. It will take some adjustment, but soon enough I know we'll get the hang out. But for tonight...the night before I go back, I am scared to death.
When I was still pregnant, I wasn't exactly sure how long of a break I would take. Because I am part time, I do not get a partially paid maternity leave. I had to use my vacation days wisely. I estimated I could take about 10 weeks off and survive. I started thinking about this the day after Caroline was born. Every time I did, my stomach would drop and I would be a ball of anxiety. How could I possibly manage two kids, a household and a job? People do it all the time, but how could I do it? When people would ask when I was going back to work, I would just say around Thanksgiving and never really let myself look at a calendar and decide. When I finally had to, it just worked out with the holiday that I would go back the Monday after Thanksgiving. This meant I was able to spend 12 glorious weeks and home with my babies. More than most, so I couldn't complain.
Going back to work meant I would have to start showering on a regular basis again. It meant I couldn't wear my black comfy pants and blue hoodie for days at a time. It meant I had to wake my kids up two hours earlier than normal to get them out the door and to the sitters. It meant I now had to pay double for daycare. It meant I couldn't hang out with my girls all day. I am sad.
After Lyla, I think I was in such shock about how this baby changed my life, I almost looked forward to going back to work. I went back part time so I will still able to spend a lot of time with her, but it also meant I could have adult conversations again. I could eat lunch without interruption. I could pee in peace. I could maybe feel like myself for a few hours a day.
This time is much different. This time I am mom. Before, my life was work. Now my life is my babies. I didn't want to go back. I wanted to be mom. On maternity leave I had time for my household. My house was clean. My laundry was always done. My kids were content to hang out with me. We settled into a sort of controlled chaos. Now I will have to change all that. Start a new routine. One I was forced into.
Will I cry tomorrow? Maybe. Will Eric cry on his first day alone with two babes? Likely. Fact is it has to happen. It will take some adjustment, but soon enough I know we'll get the hang out. But for tonight...the night before I go back, I am scared to death.
Say Cheese
For Christmas this year, I wanted to get Eric's mom a new cover for her brand new iphone. I thought it would be cute to get one with a picture of all the kids on it. Too bad I didn't have a picture with all five of them together. So I got a bug up my ass, called Becky and asked if she wanted to go have the kids pictures taken for Christmas. We went to a place that I thought would be cheap. Turns out I was wrong again. However, we ended up getting a lot of gifts out of it so I guess it was worth it. Lyla wasn't too interested in smiling and CeCe was covered in barf, but hey, it is what it is. And here they are...
Terrible, Awful, Miserable Two's
I've heard about the "terrible two's" before, but this is way beyond what I expected. I remember in the weeks leading up to Lyla's 2nd Birthday, I would say she was right on schedule with her acting up. That. Was. Nothing. I really started to notice the tantrums pickup in intensity around July. She spent a lot of time in time out. At that point, it seemed to work. Plus, I kept telling myself that I was a little short tempered due to pregnancy hormones and was blowing it out of proportion. Nope.
This past week has been the hardest ever. Lyla REFUSES to listen to anything I tell her. She deliberately does things she knows she is not supposed to. She has been acting out towards Caroline and even told her that she hated her (that didn't go over well). She screams "no" constantly in this evil little voice. Everything is on her terms and her terms alone.
It's heartbreaking. Is this the person she is destined to be? A mean-spirited person? What have I done or not done to make her think this behavior is appropriate? Is she learning from me? Do I act this way? Is this all just part of the "terrible two's and will pass? Is this her finally acting out towards her little sister? Two days ago, I even asked her if she had another person living in her head making her be mean.
Eric and I are at a loss as to how to handle this. I've tried "killing her with kindness". When she acts out, I just hug her and tell her I like it when she is a nice girl. I've tried screaming. This does nothing other than make her afraid of me and teach her to yell. I've tried spankings on the butt. Nothing. She cries for a minute then continues on with her day. I've given her sassy sauce (vinegar) which she totally hates but as soon as it's over, she whispering under her breathe the same thing that got her sassy sauce in the first place. Today I tried a new approach. I warned her that when she didn't listen to me or screamed at me, I would take away one toy each time. The first offense resulted in me popping the Bears balloon she's been toting around for weeks. By the end of the day both balloons and three toys were gone. Then she started picking out toys for us to take away. Fail. I am out of ideas.
The day ended with her screaming in her bed for 40 minutes because I told her I wouldn't read a book and lay with her before she went to sleep. Maybe that will work. She very much looks forwards to those cuddles at night and so do I, but I have to draw the line somewhere.
Every night I just hope the next day is better. I really have to work on myself as well and try to be a little bit more patient and keep my cool. It's just very frustrating. I look back at pictures of her when she was a baby and couldn't imagine getting so angry at that little face and yet here I am.
If only I had known how easy infants are. I thought things would get easier as they got older but I am finding out it is the exact opposite.
Tomorrow is another day...
This past week has been the hardest ever. Lyla REFUSES to listen to anything I tell her. She deliberately does things she knows she is not supposed to. She has been acting out towards Caroline and even told her that she hated her (that didn't go over well). She screams "no" constantly in this evil little voice. Everything is on her terms and her terms alone.
It's heartbreaking. Is this the person she is destined to be? A mean-spirited person? What have I done or not done to make her think this behavior is appropriate? Is she learning from me? Do I act this way? Is this all just part of the "terrible two's and will pass? Is this her finally acting out towards her little sister? Two days ago, I even asked her if she had another person living in her head making her be mean.
Eric and I are at a loss as to how to handle this. I've tried "killing her with kindness". When she acts out, I just hug her and tell her I like it when she is a nice girl. I've tried screaming. This does nothing other than make her afraid of me and teach her to yell. I've tried spankings on the butt. Nothing. She cries for a minute then continues on with her day. I've given her sassy sauce (vinegar) which she totally hates but as soon as it's over, she whispering under her breathe the same thing that got her sassy sauce in the first place. Today I tried a new approach. I warned her that when she didn't listen to me or screamed at me, I would take away one toy each time. The first offense resulted in me popping the Bears balloon she's been toting around for weeks. By the end of the day both balloons and three toys were gone. Then she started picking out toys for us to take away. Fail. I am out of ideas.
The day ended with her screaming in her bed for 40 minutes because I told her I wouldn't read a book and lay with her before she went to sleep. Maybe that will work. She very much looks forwards to those cuddles at night and so do I, but I have to draw the line somewhere.
Every night I just hope the next day is better. I really have to work on myself as well and try to be a little bit more patient and keep my cool. It's just very frustrating. I look back at pictures of her when she was a baby and couldn't imagine getting so angry at that little face and yet here I am.
If only I had known how easy infants are. I thought things would get easier as they got older but I am finding out it is the exact opposite.
Tomorrow is another day...
Sleep Training 101
I am sitting here in my room as I type this and I can't help but keep looking over at the empty pack and play beside my bed. Tonight began the dreaded sleep training. Selfishly, I've been putting this off. If this truly is my last baby, my heart aches that I will never have a newborn sleeping right next to me. I have so much fun setting the pack and play up in our room; setting up a changing and bottle station in preparation for all those late nights. And now those days are over, maybe forever, and it just really seemed to go too fast. With Lyla, I was the typical first time mom and insisted at 6 weeks we start sleep training her. I mean, it worked out and she became a super good sleeper. This time, I tried two different times to make the move into Caroline's own room and two times I ended up in tears. One night I even set up a bed of pillows on her floor so I could stay with her and after a meltdown, Eric packed up my makeshift bed and told me we'd try again another day. Today Caroline is nine weeks old. It's time. I go back to work in a few weeks and we need to start to get into some routine.
As much as I hate it and it makes my body physically ill, we try the 'cry it out' method. It worked really well with Lyla. I remember sitting on the loft floor watching "Jersey Shore' as she cried in the next room. The first night she cried for 45 minutes and I thought it was an eternity. Each night was better after that and, if memory serves, she was going down without a peep within a week.
Tonight, I put Caroline down at 7:25pm. It's now 9:30pm and she still can't get it together. She's fallen asleep a few times but eventually wakes up. I've gone in there multiple times (against "Cry it out" rules) and tried to calm her but she is having none of it. She's gotten into the habit of falling asleep while eating so that's another thing we are trying to break. I know it's rough now, but it is all for the greater good. A well rested baby means a well rested mom....hopefully. And a well rested mom is good for everyone.
Time to go back in there. This pack and play might not be empty for long.
Update: 12 hours later.
I caved. Sort of. After more screaming, I caved in and gave her a small bottle. Of course she passed out right away and only protested a little bit when I put her back in the crib. It was 10pm by then. At 11, she woke up and cried again. Luckily I threw the paci in her mouth and it was over. Repeat at midnight. At 3:15 she woke up for a bottle. This is perfect timing since I have to wake Eric up at 3:30am. I put her back in and didn't hear from her again until about 6:45am. She wasn't crying but I wanted to get her before she started and woke up her sister. I brought her in my room to change her and give her a bottle. As soon as I laid her down on my bed...out like a light. Little bugger was just trying to get back in bed with me! Minutes later Lyla woke up so that means everyone is up! We'll try again tonight. I don't have high hopes. Until next time.
Update: 11/14
Night two. Same routine. This time she only cried for 20 minutes. Score. The next night...zero crying. I am shocked at how quickly she is picking up on this up. One week in and she slept from 7:30pm - 5am. Holy mother! This is awesome. As much as I hate the empty pack n play in my room, having our nights back is pretty great. We've settled into a pretty good routine. While I put the girls down for the night, Eric cleans the dishes from the day and cleans the living room so I can wake up to a neat and tidy house...only to have it destroyed within an hour, but still. As soon as the girls are settled I try to workout. Yeah you heard me. I've been working out.
Update: 11/20
What the hell happened? I knew this went down too easy. While little Miss Caroline is still pretty attached to her 7pm bedtime, she isn't so interested in sleeping in super long stretches anymore. For the past three nights, she is up again at 11pm for a bottle...just as I am finally settling down. Then she is up again around 3am. However, after that bottle she does sleep until about 9am. But that does me no good as her sister has now decided to get up before 7am (which is new...and annoying). Here is an example of how my last few nights have gone:
7pm - Caroline Bedtime
7:30pm - Lyla Bedtime
8pm - workout, clean, whatever
10:30pm - Mommy falls asleep
11pm - Caroline up for a bottle
12am - Back to bed for me
2:30am - Caroline up for a bottle
3:15am - Back to bed for me
3:30am - My alarm goes off for Eric
3:40am - My alarm goes off for Eric
3:50am - My alarm goes off for Eric
4:00am - My alarm goes off for Eric
4:30am - I finally fall back asleep
6:45am - Lyla storms into my room
In two weeks I go back to work. I have NO idea how this is going to work.
Update: 12 hours later.
I caved. Sort of. After more screaming, I caved in and gave her a small bottle. Of course she passed out right away and only protested a little bit when I put her back in the crib. It was 10pm by then. At 11, she woke up and cried again. Luckily I threw the paci in her mouth and it was over. Repeat at midnight. At 3:15 she woke up for a bottle. This is perfect timing since I have to wake Eric up at 3:30am. I put her back in and didn't hear from her again until about 6:45am. She wasn't crying but I wanted to get her before she started and woke up her sister. I brought her in my room to change her and give her a bottle. As soon as I laid her down on my bed...out like a light. Little bugger was just trying to get back in bed with me! Minutes later Lyla woke up so that means everyone is up! We'll try again tonight. I don't have high hopes. Until next time.
Update: 11/14
Night two. Same routine. This time she only cried for 20 minutes. Score. The next night...zero crying. I am shocked at how quickly she is picking up on this up. One week in and she slept from 7:30pm - 5am. Holy mother! This is awesome. As much as I hate the empty pack n play in my room, having our nights back is pretty great. We've settled into a pretty good routine. While I put the girls down for the night, Eric cleans the dishes from the day and cleans the living room so I can wake up to a neat and tidy house...only to have it destroyed within an hour, but still. As soon as the girls are settled I try to workout. Yeah you heard me. I've been working out.
Update: 11/20
What the hell happened? I knew this went down too easy. While little Miss Caroline is still pretty attached to her 7pm bedtime, she isn't so interested in sleeping in super long stretches anymore. For the past three nights, she is up again at 11pm for a bottle...just as I am finally settling down. Then she is up again around 3am. However, after that bottle she does sleep until about 9am. But that does me no good as her sister has now decided to get up before 7am (which is new...and annoying). Here is an example of how my last few nights have gone:
7pm - Caroline Bedtime
7:30pm - Lyla Bedtime
8pm - workout, clean, whatever
10:30pm - Mommy falls asleep
11pm - Caroline up for a bottle
12am - Back to bed for me
2:30am - Caroline up for a bottle
3:15am - Back to bed for me
3:30am - My alarm goes off for Eric
3:40am - My alarm goes off for Eric
3:50am - My alarm goes off for Eric
4:00am - My alarm goes off for Eric
4:30am - I finally fall back asleep
6:45am - Lyla storms into my room
In two weeks I go back to work. I have NO idea how this is going to work.
Two Month Check
How is it possible that two months while pregnant drag on and on and yet two months with a newborn fly by in a blur? I cannot even believe my little Caroline is two months old already. Here are some fun facts about my girl.
- She is a beefcake. She now weighs in at 11lbs, 5 ounces. She's also 25 inches long. Yowza.
- She's already busting out of the three month clothes that her sister passed along to her.
- At her last doctors appointment the doctor informed me that she looks like she is ready to start rolling! What?!
- Her spit up now rivals her sister. At night we could go through 5 PJ's before she even hit the bed!
- She's a talker! She loves to lay on her boppy and just talk away to us.
- She is still a pretty calm and happy baby...until crabby time hits. Crabby time usually starts about 5pm and goes until about 9pm. Awful.
- Part of what gets us through crabby time is cluster feedings. It seems like between those hours she has double the amount of bottles she has through out the day. I looked online where I discovered cluster feedings. At least it helped give us a reason and something we could do to calm her.
- She has a few nicknames already including Hubba Bubba (mommy), Sugar Sugar (mommy and daddy), Magoo (daddy), Sweetie (Lyla), Pixie (Gma Peach b/c of her pointed ears).
- She's already had her first cold. She handled it like a champ.
- We haven't quite figured out a good sleep routine. Basically she's up every two and a half to three hours. My how things change with the second kid.
One Month In
One month feels like one minute. It has gone by so fast! So far, my little CeCe is the sweetest little baby. She seems like a pretty calm and laid back kid so far. I often say that she even asks for her bottle in a sweet little way. She just makes these cute little noises that are adorable. She growing by leaps and bounds! She is definitely packing on the pounds much quicker than Lyla did. She seems to sleep much better in the pack and play than I was expecting, though she spends most of her nights asleep on my chest. She is very prompt when it comes to eating and most often doesn't even make it 3 hours. This girl likes to eat.
A few days after coming home we took Caroline to her doctor appt and decided to bring Lyla along since she was still pretty sick. We ended up having to put her on a nebulizer, steroids and an antibiotic. The doctor warned me that this particular antibiotic often causes kids to become emotionally unstable. Awesome. Thanks doc.
Once we got over the sickies we seemed to settle down a bit. Lyla has actually been great with her new sister. She's a great helper and is always going over to kiss Caroline. I am shocked and thrilled that Lyla also sleeps through her sister crying for a bottle at night. Phew!
I knew better than to even try to set up a routine at this point, even though that goes against every ounce of my being. I knew it would be a short time before I would be back at work and would be forced into a routine so I just allowed the chaos of having a newborn take over. Oddly enough, I love the chaos. Eric and I actually spend more time together when we have a newborn. We are forced to stay up and watch movies while we take turns with feedings. We decided to start watching the show Breaking Bad since we had all the time in the world. I think we watched five seasons in about three weeks.
I can't wait to see what next month brings...
A few days after coming home we took Caroline to her doctor appt and decided to bring Lyla along since she was still pretty sick. We ended up having to put her on a nebulizer, steroids and an antibiotic. The doctor warned me that this particular antibiotic often causes kids to become emotionally unstable. Awesome. Thanks doc.
Once we got over the sickies we seemed to settle down a bit. Lyla has actually been great with her new sister. She's a great helper and is always going over to kiss Caroline. I am shocked and thrilled that Lyla also sleeps through her sister crying for a bottle at night. Phew!
I knew better than to even try to set up a routine at this point, even though that goes against every ounce of my being. I knew it would be a short time before I would be back at work and would be forced into a routine so I just allowed the chaos of having a newborn take over. Oddly enough, I love the chaos. Eric and I actually spend more time together when we have a newborn. We are forced to stay up and watch movies while we take turns with feedings. We decided to start watching the show Breaking Bad since we had all the time in the world. I think we watched five seasons in about three weeks.
I can't wait to see what next month brings...
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