Saying Goodbye

Less than a month ago, we discovered that Uncle Tom, favorite brother in the McElligott family, required some pretty intense medical treatment, a treatment that not many doctors were willing to offer.  We knew this could be a rough road ahead but we...well, I guess I can only speak for myself, I, was totally caught off guard to hear the news that we had lost him before he could be considered for this treatment.   Now, not even a week later, I find myself feeling more sad than I ever thought I would...more empty than ever before.
Unfortunately, I've been down this road plenty of times before to know how it works.  You go through the motions of looking through pictures, telling funny stories, wakes, funerals, the whole nine yards.  It's not until the day after, when all is said and done, that it really hits.  

I find myself wishing for just one more visit, even for an hour so I can hear his voice and remember it, really remember it.  Of course Tom had his signature sayings which we've all been repeating for the last few days, but I just want to hear them from him again...not through memory, but out loud, with my own two ears.  I want to walk in my parents house and see him sitting in his spot on the couch, TV guide in hand, asking when he was going to my wedding. 

It wasn't until today that I realized that no matter how frustrating it could be sometimes with Tom, there wasn't a single time I was with him that he didn't make me smile and laugh.  Even if it was just his obsession with lining things up on the table.  Maybe I found this amusing because he and I share the same love of organization and symmetry.   Even if it was the sound of him singing or laughing at the TV or calling something a "dum fing" or showing us his teeth for a picture, I was always laughing. 

I have plenty of great memories with him, but the one I keep coming back to, is that from about a year ago.  I came over to hang out with Tom while my parents went to a wedding.  He sat at the table and helped me put together goodie bags for an upcoming bachelorette party.  Of course asking if every bag was for him.   Anytime there was a gift in sight, Tom thought it was for him.   After that, I popped in good old Beatles Rockband, let Tom pick the setlist, and put on a concert for him.  He was my best back up singer, whether he knew the words or not.   After every song I turned to him and waited for my applause, sometimes having to beg for it.  That night even marked my first "bathroom" experience which I won't get into, but I still laugh about today.  

I remember feeling a sense of satisfaction when you could get a good hug out of him.  Usually this consisted of him slamming his body against you and burying his head in your chest.  They were the best hugs.  And it seems, after looking through all the pictures, that he was always being hugged back.  I hope he felt as special getting those hugs and we did getting them from him.

It breaks my heart to know that Lil Lax will never meet Tom.  He knew there was a baby coming and although he may not have liked the idea at first, I imagine they would have been quite the entertaining duo.  Tom wasn't the biggest baby fan, often yelling "NO!" when we mentioned it, but he was there to offer a name suggestion.  He suggested we name the baby 'Coocachoo', or something just as silly.  While that may not make my top ten names, it is yet another thing to make me smile. 

As they say, time heals all wounds, but I just don't know how this void can be filled.  He left such an impression on everyone he met.   This was obvious when seeing all the people who came to say goodbye to him.  He wasn't just my uncle Tom, he was a brother, a son, an uncle and a friend.  A friend I wasn't ready to let go of yet.